It means Forever

This particular blog post has been nothing short of a struggle for me to write...my mind worked like clockwork flipping through words and ideas, but when it came time to write them...I felt lost. Even the few sentances I could string together sounded forced and insincere. This post is very close to me, these words are not from the pages of a dictionary, they are stright for my heart and soul. It is easy to write about logical things, but when faced with the task of confessing the struggles of your heart...nothing but roadblocks, internal struggle, and a final enlightenment await you. These words, drapped together into what I hope to be a certain clarity of my world as of now, are not to be read lightly.

My heart is heavy, it is beating slowly, weary and fearful. I set out to find the world, nothing more. I wanted to know its secrets and discover its mysteries hoping that in finding the answers to the worlds questions...I would, in turn, find what I was looking for. Just before my adventure truly is to begin I am driven off course by something even I can't find the words to describe. This new course, this foreign, disconcerting feeling, those eyes my heart were never ready to gaze into...it wasn't what I was planning nor was it a choice I was ready to face.

Some people are born for greatness, they wander through life eventually finding a way to make an impact, making marks on the people they touch with whatever gift God gave them. Some people were born to entertain, to be a shoulder to cry on, to be the call at 4:00 in the morning. Then there are those who are born for love, born to find one person to love for all eternity with every ounce of their soul...the romantics and the poets. The lyricist and the wordsmith. Those who hear the word love and instantly think forever. People like Noah from the Notebook...people like me.

Judgement will always laugh and scorn those who dream of love, those who wish for something more then a cheap one night stand or a shallow promise of forever. Should we simply settle because the world insists upon it? Instead we search, constantly moving, looking, dreaming. These dreams, these internal wishes for a bond unbreakable by time or tragidy. I left america believing I was searching for myself, searching for something that was missing. However, it wasn't until I looked into those eyes that I realized it wasn't my sense of self that was lost...it was my heart, that missing piece that I was born to find in someone else.

I could have the riches of the world, diamonds, pearls, houses, and a closet full of the finest silks. I could have all the friends in the world, I could have everything, but still feel like I have nothing...for without love, without that one someone who will return my missing piece, I am only half of a person. With half a heart I cannot truly laugh or smile, live or breathe. Its like living under a sheer black vail, each relationship being a breeze that shows me a brief glimpse of what I am searching for, only making me more determined.

On July 1st, I had 18 days left here in the foreign climate of the Doha sun. 18 days left until I return home to a place where responsability and realism will not only set aside my dreams, but force me to be an entirely different person and ignore what I truly feel. In 18 days I will be saying goodbye to the one thing that gave me hope for my dreams, those eyes that swollowed me whole in their embrace and left me powerless. That embrace that felt like home.

In 18 days I will say goodbye and I will pray every night thereafter that I didn't make the biggest mistake of my life.

Rebecca